I have said it before: this election sucks.  It’s hard getting excited about voting for a president who is willing to compromise on any policy that doesn’t involve authorizing the murder of an American citizen overseas. The yet-to-be-determined (not really) conservative alternatives? A hypercapitalist who practices corporate polygamy only for the purpose of gutting those [...]

Congratulations to former Vice President Dick Cheney, who upped his game over the weekend and can now claim to have literally ripped the heart out of another human being to prolong his miserable, war-profiteering existence.  Granted, the victim donator was already dead when Cheney’s doctors got to him, but don’t let the facts get in [...]

I don’t know if you knew this, but apparently there are still primaries left?  I thought we were rid of those for the next four years, but apparently the only reason I was under that impression is because I’m a gigantic fucking idiot.  So instead of Rick Perry already being president, or the nominee, [...]

I realize some things slip through the cracks, but the fact that Yahoo News just posted this article about Rick Santorum’s anti-porn stance says something about the quality of their news coverage.

I’ll will concede the fact that scrolling to the bottom of Mr. Santorum’s issues page takes a strong stomach if [...]

[Ed: An early version of this post implied that cocaine may have been the cause of Andrew Breitbart's death.  We regret not only our error (we forgot the word "alleged") but also the error of his late heart (it blew up).]

Andrew Breitbart’s untimely death at the age of 43 due to [...]

Despite everyone’s best efforts, the thinkable happened yesterday: His Holiness Rick Cardinal Santorum failed to pry the “reluctant frontrunner” label off of Mitt Romney’s candidacy with decisive, Christ-powered victories in Super Tuesday’s ten electoral contests.  Will this day be remembered in history books as the day that America started the final leg of its hedonistic [...]

Mitt Romney is a down-to-earth replicant who easily interfaces with the smartphones and laptops carried by his supporters. His hobbies include free-style rapping with bussed-in members of his posse and casually making five-figure bets with other, less financially-endowed plutocrats.

My research has found that rich people love making bets with one another, so with [...]

You would think Ron Paul would do well in Ohio. Ohio is full of Cleveland Browns fans, and they seem to share a love of losing with Ron Paul supporters. OK, maybe they don’t love losing, but they both seem to think a losing institution is worth their time and/or money.

I knew it was too good to be true.  Mitt Romney’s slim victory in Michigan was just a fluke, right?  Barely winning your home state?  Surely that was Mitt’s death rattle; a prelude to 16 years of American prosperity under the administration of President Richard II.

All of that is threatened now.  How prescient [...]