Praise be to Mormo. It was an interminable Republican primary season, during which 11 of our United States voted in favor of a man whose primary concern–after ten years of war, a global economic recession fueled by financial deregulation, and the premiere of Whitney on NBC–was the policing of “illegal” pornography. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end, because today Rick Santorum, vicar of Christ and former Pennsylvania senator, announced that he would be aborting his campaign for president, having decided after consultation with his family that bringing a Santorum presidency into the world would be a mistake.
Santorum’s departure robs this election cycle of its last morsel of hilarity. Eleven states voted for a man whose number one issue was ridding our blesséd nation of porn. Not the economy. Not Afghanistan. Not the partisan, contrarian gridlock in the legislative branch that was based more on ideology than pragmatism. Porn. The humor of that was lost on people who had less faith in the American public than I did, people who thought that Santorum might actually win.
Thankfully for sanity’s sake, the final nails were hammered into Santorum’s
cross coffin last week with losses to Willard “Mike” Romney in Wisconsin, Maryland, and the District of Colombia, which I wasn’t even aware was part of the United States.
We here at Perennial Candidate apologize for neglecting to cover last week’s primary results. We were too grief-stricken to document the then-presumed final defeat of our preferred candidate, Mr. Santorum. But, after the obligatory sitting of shiva and a prolonged Romney joke brainstorming session (has anyone noticed that he is robotic and wealthy yet??????), we have come here today to bury Rick.
We’ll miss you. And when that war with Iran does finally come, we will think of you fondly, and wonder what could have been. Instead of concerns about the Iranian regime’s desire for and development of nuclear weapons, we will remember that it could have been different. We will remember that we could have begun our march on Tehran to liberate the Iranian people and convert them to God’s preferred religion in the name of.. what was it you said, Rick? Oh yes, “religious freedom.”
Though Iran is not secular, the Iranian Mullahcracy opposes freedom, including religious freedom. They are not radical secularists but radical Islamists and the result is the same: They oppose liberty. [ricksantorum.com/page screenshot]
Good times. Just think of how entertaining it would be for campaign-mode Barack Obama to destroy that bit of rhetoric during a nationally televised debate. The only thing more disappointing than missing out on that bit of electoral smackdown is the disappointment that Obama’s second term will be. I can’t wait.
Now begins the wait for Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich to drop out of the race. Paul is waging his own principled war on big government and fiat currency, so who can say when he’ll leave. As for Gingrich, the best chance we have of getting him to leave is if someone tells him that the Republican nomination has cancer.
Congratulations, Mitt Romney. Time to spend the next seven months calling you a wealthy android.