Perennial Candidate

Lousy Smarch Weather

karl — Tue, 05 Mar 2013 04:51:58 +0000

Google News Has Almost Caught up to Huffpo in Quality

pat — Tue, 12 Jun 2012 11:13:11 +0000

Are you shitting me? The worst part is that the Huffington Post had this story two days ago. Not only did they also give in to granting headline status to this non-story, but they’re late to the party.

Honestly, is there anything that isn’t total shit?

Hi again, by the way. I was content to take the summer off, but then Jay Carney told me to do my job. So uh, just tell everyone I wrote a dick joke.

Everything is terrible.

Barry Said He Respects and Admires Me

pat — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 05:51:06 +0000

Well, it’s the end of April, so you know what that means: the Kansas City Royals have been mathematically eliminated from postseason play. Also, the White House Correspondents’ Dinner happened.

If we were a real and/or good political blog, we might have live-tweeted it, but since we lack neither the motivation nor a TV that receives C-SPAN live, that live-tweeting didn’t happen. Sorry; we were too busy being mean to a really shitty local marketing firm.

Our dog-eating Kenyan President Barry Soetoro was on fire tonight, telling a lot of jokes that I’m sure his right-wing detractors will spend the next 6 months taking out of context as proof that he loves socialism and the taste of supple Golden Retriever flesh.

Jimmy Kimmel followed. I don’t even have jokes. It was a solid 45 minutes of entertainment. Even the Huffington Post (I refuse to italicize your name, you gigantic piece of web feces) got shit on a little bit. I was in heaven.

Question: how many Republicans will rake the president over the coals for making jokes this evening instead of focusing his efforts on solving gasoline? Answer: all of them.

No, I’m not stupid, I meant “solving gasoline.” It’s a really bad joke. Fuck you, don’t judge me.

How’d We Miss the “Obama Believes ATMs = Unemployment” Meme?

pat — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 03:10:37 +0000

This machine kills jobs.

Keith Olbermann was on ABC’s This Week today, I guess trying to prove to potential employers that he is capable of being on camera without threatening to kill someone with his bare hands and/or politely requesting that a loose-lipped staff member be assassinated. The possibility of an outburst made This Week whatever the Sunday morning equivalent of Must See TV is.

Unfortunately, 30 minutes of disinterested viewing yielded no outbursts, no assassination requests, and no monologues with sections punctuated by dramatic cuts between camera angles. It was just people like Donna Brazile and Peggy Noonan talking about *blech* politics for a half-hour. How do people stomach this?

I was getting pretty bored, until George Will said something that sounded implausible and absurd. I don’t have video so I guess I have to transcribe things, ugh:

We have a president who believes, because he says so, that ATMs and airport ticket kiosks cause unemployment. So that gives you some sense of his grasp of how the economy works.

How dare he, this President Obama, imply that ATMs and ticket kiosks radiate unemployment from their centers, killing every job they touch like some sort of economic Chernobyl? How dare he give these machines a bad name? Look what this asshole said (ignore the certainly crazy video source):

WHAT?! What do you mean that having a machine to handle all of your withdrawals and deposits and balance-checking removes the necessity of having a human being employed to do that same thing?! THAT’S FUCKING reasonable, I guess. I don’t know, maybe I’m missing something. Maybe George Will and this YouTube uploader have a key piece of information that I am lacking. That or they are either disingenuous (George Will) or insane (uploader).

Oh, look, an insightful post that doesn’t contain jokes about doodie. We’re moving up in the world.

BREAKING NEWS: AP Projects Mitt Romney is the Antichrist

pat — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 18:21:26 +0000

What good fortune did chance bestow upon me today? For some reason I stumbled upon Google News’s election section, or something. I don’t know how I ended up there but after leaving the tab open for at least three hours, I actually skimmed its contents. And I saw something wonderful.

There you have it. Quantitative proof that Willard “Mick” Romney is the Antichrist or Man of Sin, whose coming was foretold most notably in Paul’s Second Epistle to the Thessalonians.

Though a compelling case has been made that Ronald Wilson Reagan was indeed the Antichrist, by virtue of his first, middle and last names each having six letters (which adds up to 666 and not 18, you idiot), we find this delegate projection done by the fine people of the Associated Press to be far more convincing.

So, uh, is Rick Santorum president yet?

Giddy Ann Romney Loves to Reveal How Political Magic Tricks Are Done

pat — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 15:24:36 +0000

Perhaps you should "stay at home" and not reveal how the milk can toss is rigged, Ann.

Is it too late for us to have won the morning? I don’t know what’s wrong with the Romney family. Sure, they are no longer so hellbent on marrying multiple ladies that they willfully reside in a country that has questionable water purity standards and few, if any, eateries on par with Taco Bell in terms of authentic cuisine, but things with the Romney name seem just so terrible at politics.

Exhibit A: Willard “Mitt” Romney. A politician who seems, in many instances, to be so very bad at connecting with people who do not own yachts fueled by the blood of Poors. [Ed: We are unable to confirm that Governor Romney owns a yacht, but suspect that if he did, it probably is fueled by the blood of Poors.]

There was, for a short time, the belief that his wife, Mrs. Ann “Mitt” Romney, was the better-spoken of the couple, but that was all but erased when she, a lady who is rich, said that she was not actually rich. I don’t know if she was less ridiculous when she was younger, but evidence seems to suggest that once that Romney DNA plants itself inside you, you become a tactless android–an uncool version of Data from Star Trek.

Last night, wife of Mittbot opened her mouth again, this time revealing how the political sausage was made by showing you the trap door in her “Saw the Stay-at-Home Mom in Half” trick. Or something. NBC’s Garrett Haake reports:

“It was my early birthday present for someone to be critical of me as a mother, and that was really a defining moment, and I loved it,” Mrs. Romney said.

That’s how you know someone said something insensitive and offensive, when the target of that insensitive and offensive thing says that they loved it. No, wait, what?

Gov. Romney went further in engaging the so-called “war on moms” that followed in the media — upon which his campaign has been aggressively fundraising — calling it a “gift” that allowed his campaign to show contrast with Democrats in the general election’s first week.

WHY ARE YOU SO BAD AT THIS? That’s not nearly as bad as what your wife said but INSTEAD OF ACKNOWLEDGING IT AS BULLSHIT WHY NOT JUST SAY “WELL IT WAS NICE OF THOSE COMMUNIST DEMOCRATS TO SHOW YOU HOW MUCH THEY HATE WOMEN” OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

HOW THE FUCK DID YOU BECOME GOVERNOR IN MASSAFUCKINGCHUSETTS? WAS THIS A CALCULATED ACKNOWLEDGEMENT BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT THE NEWS CYCLE IS ALREADY DONE WITH THIS NON-STORY OR ARE YOU JUST THAT FUCKING DUMB?

I truly believe that Ron Paul truly believes every dumb word that comes out of his mouth. Newt Gingrich emits words out of his gaping asshole of a mouth only for the enrichment of Newt Gingrich; this is a thing that has not changed since the ’90s. I don’t know which direction to go with the departed Rick Santorum–peace be upon his eternal soul–but if he is just behaving like a crazy religious nutjob to pander to voters, at least he doesn’t lift the fucking curtain up and show you where he hides the fucking handcuff key.

You are going to lose to a socialist Muslim because you are terrible at this. You are absolutely horrible at this.

This election is turds.

Your Half-Assed Weekend Roundup for Friday the Thirteenth

pat — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 18:01:28 +0000

Have you been following our astoundingly effective social media campaign? If not, then you should, because it is probably the only place you will ever see things written by Karl ever again. Turns out it’s a lot easier to write snarky 140-character responses to things politicians and other dummies write than it is to compose 300- to 600-word articles that have to sustain a coherent premise. Funny how that works out.

Here is a slightly less lazy round-up of things that happened this week that we willfully ignored until now!

A Godless Homosessual Waged War Against Stay-at-Home Moms

A lady who loves other ladies was on the teevee and said that Ann Romney isn’t allowed to tell Mittbot that other ladies care about economic issues because, as the wife of an affluent businessman who was able to focus on raising her children (and riding salad dressage horses) instead of having to balance raising children with working to bring money into the household, she wasn’t in the position to understand what most working mothers go through. Fair point? Probably. A thing that needed to be said? Probably not.

If you want a good reason to dislike Hilary Rosen, Homemaker Hater in Chief, just remember that she served as the CEO of an organization dedicated to preventing copyright infringement by suing grandmothers for millions of dollars over songs they more than likely didn’t even download. That is probably more objectionable than saying true-but-jerkish things.

Did you know that of the estimated 80.5 million mothers in the United States, 5.6 million of them (as of 2004) were stay-at-home? That’s a whole 7%. This is according to the National Organization for Women. Research is so tiring, let’s get back to dick jokes.

Alleged Murderer and Men’s Warehouse Founder George Zimmerman Has a Website

Everyone knows that Times New Roman is the pinnacle of web style.

A really horrible thing happened (in Florida, if you can believe that), when a guy who probably shouldn’t have had a gun and been in a position of any authority shot a 17-year-old to death because of reasons. I wasn’t there and I don’t know if the hooded, black teenager started mercilessly beating on the valiant sub-mall-cop neighborhood watch captain, or if the aforementioned neighborhood watch captain decided to shoot someone who had the audacity to, while being black, walk through his neighborhood.

Well, the guy who had a gun who shouldn’t have had a gun is telling his side of the story, and by “telling his side of the story” I mean ”has attached his name to an incredibly nonspecific and poorly designed website.”

It contains great quotes, like the following:

It has come to my attention that some persons and/or entities have been collecting funds, thinly veiled as my “Defense Fund” or “Legal Fund”. I cannot attest to the validity of these other websites as I have not received any funds collected, intended to support my family and I through this trying, tragic time.

He hasn’t gotten the money, but that doesn’t mean that the funds are bullshit.

It really is a wealth of information about what really happened; to whit, a page titled “The Facts,” which has no facts on it. Just a quote from some guy I’ve never heard of, followed by a statement of thanks to people who have supported him without “questioning [his] integrity or actions.” The best thing to do when your friend shoots someone to death is to not ask them why they shot someone to death. It’s just polite.

Alleged Murderer and Men’s Warehouse Founder George Zimmerman Was Charged with Murder and Looks like Bubbles from The Wire

Can I hold $10?

And here I thought Florida lacked a judicial system like the rest of the United States. After a grand jury was convened earlier this week, special prosecutor Angela Corey charged Trayvon Martin shooter and Bubbles lookalike George Zimmerman with second degree murder.

On second thought, he may better resemble Detective Ellis Carver than Bubbles.

Other Shit that Bores the Fuck out of Me

Did you know that John Edwards is on trial for impregnating a lady, or something? Did you know that a mayor of something rescued people from a burning house? Barack Obama made money and paid taxes? Yeah, that’s all boring. Have another tweet.

Later boners.

Why Aren’t You Following Us On Tweeter?????

pat — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 14:50:42 +0000

And the General Election Campaign Begins with Baby’s First Rhetoric

pat — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 17:01:11 +0000

The horror. The horror.

What does $172 million in campaign funds get you? Apparently it gets you an incredibly oversimplified (perhaps to the point of being inaccurate) infographic that simultaneously kicks off the general election campaign and strikes fear into the hearts of the core Democratic constituencies of Poors, Olds and Non-Breeders.

Not that points 1 through 4 aren’t generally true. I don’t know where the Planned Parenthood thing came from; I thought our dearly departed Pope Rick Santorum was the only one ringing the “Death to Planned Parenthood” bell.

“Of course you get rid of Obamacare, that’s the easy one, but there are others,” he said. “Planned Parenthood, we’re going to get rid of that.”

Wow, I missed that. With all of the socially regressive shit that spewed out of Pope Rick’s mouth like so much diarrhea out of a lactose intolerant woman who just drank five milkshakes, I missed this little socially conservative corn kernel that Mittbot probably tossed out to lure in the Republican base. Don’t worry, gang, we’re going to be okay. Mitt can play theocrat too!

I eagerly await the response from the Romney campaign. I would open Photoshop and make one of my own, with hilarious and not-at-all-played-out items like “Kenyan,” “socialist,” “Muslim,” but I’m sure some Romney-paid ad agency will just do that work for me in the next 12 hours, so check this space tomorrow!

And when that inevitable response does come, I hope the Obama camp adds number 6 to this list: Romney’s dad is a dirty Messican. Look it up.

After a Brief Uterine Interlude, the War on Poors Can Continue

pat — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 19:34:55 +0000

This may be the last time we get to trot out this old picture. Laters, Rick.

Praise be to Mormo. It was an interminable Republican primary season, during which 11 of our United States voted in favor of a man whose primary concern–after ten years of war, a global economic recession fueled by financial deregulation, and the premiere of Whitney on NBC–was the policing of “illegal” pornography. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end, because today Rick Santorum, vicar of Christ and former Pennsylvania senator, announced that he would be aborting his campaign for president, having decided after consultation with his family that bringing a Santorum presidency into the world would be a mistake.

Santorum’s departure robs this election cycle of its last morsel of hilarity. Eleven states voted for a man whose number one issue was ridding our blesséd nation of porn. Not the economy. Not Afghanistan. Not the partisan, contrarian gridlock in the legislative branch that was based more on ideology than pragmatism. Porn. The humor of that was lost on people who had less faith in the American public than I did, people who thought that Santorum might actually win.

Thankfully for sanity’s sake, the final nails were hammered into Santorum’s ~~cross~~ coffin last week with losses to Willard “Mike” Romney in Wisconsin, Maryland, and the District of Colombia, which I wasn’t even aware was part of the United States.

We here at Perennial Candidate apologize for neglecting to cover last week’s primary results. We were too grief-stricken to document the then-presumed final defeat of our preferred candidate, Mr. Santorum. But, after the obligatory sitting of shiva and a prolonged Romney joke brainstorming session (has anyone noticed that he is robotic and wealthy yet??????), we have come here today to bury Rick.

We’ll miss you. And when that war with Iran does finally come, we will think of you fondly, and wonder what could have been. Instead of concerns about the Iranian regime’s desire for and development of nuclear weapons, we will remember that it could have been different. We will remember that we could have begun our march on Tehran to liberate the Iranian people and convert them to God’s preferred religion in the name of.. what was it you said, Rick? Oh yes, “religious freedom.”

Though Iran is not secular, the Iranian Mullahcracy opposes freedom, including religious freedom. They are not radical secularists but radical Islamists and the result is the same: They oppose liberty. [ricksantorum.com/page screenshot]

Good times. Just think of how entertaining it would be for campaign-mode Barack Obama to destroy that bit of rhetoric during a nationally televised debate. The only thing more disappointing than missing out on that bit of electoral smackdown is the disappointment that Obama’s second term will be. I can’t wait.

Now begins the wait for Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich to drop out of the race. Paul is waging his own principled war on big government and fiat currency, so who can say when he’ll leave. As for Gingrich, the best chance we have of getting him to leave is if someone tells him that the Republican nomination has cancer.

Congratulations, Mitt Romney. Time to spend the next seven months calling you a wealthy android.